I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
