Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
