The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
