This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
