Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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