Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
