So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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