You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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