I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
