So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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