there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
