I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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