I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
