everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I want a musical about memes.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
