just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
