That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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