yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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