dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Someone signed my nipple.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
