So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
A+ Viking dick
Randomize
