I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
