lets start a swedish sibling band together
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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