bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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