Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
