so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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