o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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