i was born a porn star she said
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
