Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
