I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
please come you make the beer taste better
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
