whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
