Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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