We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
