Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
