I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
