if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
