Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I am one with the molecules
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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