24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
