I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
