Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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