My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
