it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
