i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
