A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
