Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
