Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
