My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
