the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
