He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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