my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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