why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
