In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just had sex on a roof
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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