I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
